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Not The End Of Me


Not The End Of Me
Who am I?
I don’t know…
Had I become that person I so despise?
My thoughts
Deep, dark, and unrecognizable
Who am I?
Did I just give up?
Given up on life, love, my passions, and everything in between
Who am I?
A cry baby
Weak
Distorted thoughts
State of confusion
Broken Spirit
Negative
Shaken
Stirred
Who am I?
A silent voice and distant eyes
That no one hears my cry’s
Who am I?
Drowning in the depths of sorrow,
with no tears left to cry.
Who am I?
© The Lupie Chick 2013

I’ve been was battling depression for the past 6 months. A lot of stress triggers has occurred with my relocation to Georgia, my employment, my health, and a multitude of other things. I leaned heavily on my sister- friends that keep praying for my recovery and strength to come out of this dark space. I was having uncontrollable crying spells, insomnia, panic attacks, nightmares (when I would finally sleep) and just an overall feeling of failure. I wanted to die. In my opinion, my spirit was already dead. I was in a very dark mind space and I couldn’t see my way out. While at one of my doctor visits, the doctor was asking me questions and I just looked up at him (as if I was possessed by a demon) and blurted out “I really don’t give a fuck right now.. Whatever you want to do is fine with me, I’m ready to go” I stood up and WALKED OUT, crying as I left his office. Later that evening I received a recorded call from Kroger pharmacy telling me my prescription was ready. [Insert demonic look and gas face] “What damn prescription?? I figured it was a wrong number and I ignored the message. 2 days later I received the recorded call again, I was in Kroger ( at Starbucks) and figured I would go over there and tell them to stop calling me ( they were using my day time minutes and I don’t have any to spare). When I reached the counter, the pharmacist acknowledged that I did have a prescription and it was ready. 
ME:  “YOU CAN KEEP IT- I HAVE NO INSURANCE & NO MONEY!”
Pharmacist: “Ms Dugar your cost is $4 and if you have Kroger points I can reduce that to $2” Me: [face twisted and annoyed] fine [mumbling and grumbling]
Pharmacist: Please step to the counseling window
ME: Continue face twisting/mumbling/grumbling
Pharmacist: You have been prescribed Zoloft. Zoloft is known to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), social anxiety disorder (SAD), and panic disorder. This medicine is an antidepressant called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI).
ME: [insert, hand on hip, pissed off stance] so what exactly are you saying because I didn’t ask for this?
Pharmacist: Ma’am you may want to call your physician, this prescription was called in
ME: Yeah, I’ma call him [pulls out phone and call doctor office]
After calming down a little and speaking with my physician, I now understand that his prescription wasn’t an insult to my mental stability; it was care, concern, and very well NEEDED! My physician began to tell me he sensed that I was stressed and I was displaying signs of depression. After finishing up the call, I went home, got on the Internet to do additional research.“Between 15 and 60 percent of people with a chronic illness will experience clinical depression. This may be brought on by lupus, by the various medications used to treat lupus, and/or by any of the factors and forces in a person’s life that are not related to lupus. For reasons that are not entirely understood, this type of depression is often experienced by people with chronic disease.”Lupus Foundation of America
 I encourage anyone that exhibits any of the following to consult with a physician.
·  Feelings of helplessness or hopelessness
·  Sadness
·  Crying (often without reason)
·  Insomnia or restless sleep, or sleeping too much
·  Changes in appetite leading to weight loss or weight gain
·  Feelings of uneasiness, anxiety, or irritability
·  Feelings of guilt or regret
·  Lowered self-esteem or feelings of worthlessness
·  Inability to concentrate or difficulty thinking
·  Diminished memory and recall
·  Indecisiveness
·  Lack of interest in things formerly enjoyed
·  Lack of energy
·  General slowing and clouding of mental functions
·  Diminished sexual interest and/or perfor­mance
·  Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
I’ve exhibited 15 out of the 16 signs above. As a friend or a family member- please do not assume that a person is having a pity party or just “need to get over it”. There were moments I wanted to die, and a friend response to me was “oh Sixx, come on now, you’re having a pity party”. Depression is very serious and HARD to overcome. I’m not 100% recovered (even with the help of Zoloft).  I take it day by day-sometimes-minute by minute. When I say THANK YOU [to my my inner circle]-it’s not just 2 words. I know I have a praying circle around me-and you’re prays has kept me covered. [ praise & testimony]
  • Between 15 and 60 percent of people with a chronic illness will experience clinical depression.
  • Clinical depression may be a result of the ways in which lupus physically affects your body.
  • Some of the medicines to treat lupus—especially corticosteroids such as prednisone (and at higher doses of 20 mg or more)—play a role in causing clinical depression.
  • Clinical depression may be a result of the continuous series of emotional and psychological stressors associated with living with a chronic illness.
  • Clinical depression may be a result of neurologic problems or experiences unrelated to lupus.
  • Clinical depression also produces anxiety, which may aggravate physical symptoms (headache, stomach pain, etc.).
  • Two common feelings associated with clinical depression are hopelessness and helplessness. People who feel hopeless believe that their distressing symptoms may never improve. People who feel helpless believe they are beyond help—that no one cares enough to help them or could succeed in helping, even if they tried.
 Keep in Touch

Twitter: @lupieeChick
Instagram: @naturally_lupie
Email: lupiechick@gmail.com
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Chick Interrupted!

Dear Lupus,

You coward did you think I would allow you steal my breath and render me helpless? How dare you again try to invade my body? I have had enough of your games and I will never allow you to access my body without a fight.

You think you are so slick. You try to attack me and take me down not realizing that I had my guard up and was ready for you. You are a spineless coward trying to attack me when you thought I was at my weakest. You tried to take over my body and just walk away. It doesn’t work like that. Why wouldn’t you show me your face? Oh that’s right you are so hideous that a face would be too humanistic for you.

Countless times you have tried to take me out and suck me into your sick world. Well I refuse to be a part of it and I want you to know that no matter how hard you try, no matter what you throw at me I will not give in to you. I will not allow you to ruin what God has made in His image. I am not your ordinary gal I have the best backer there is and God will not allow you to ever take control of me and my body.

It is a shame you are so lonely and always try to harm others. You are trying to wreak havoc in too many people’s lives. I hope you burn in hell for the problems you have caused. You punk! You thought you had me? There is no way I would let you get me down.

Stay out of my life! I despise you and your beat down will be 20 times worse if you show your nasty ass around here again!

Letter to Lupus written by Racquel Dozier

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Day 7: Be positive for younger looking skin

Focus on Your Inner Beauty
By Amy Wechsler, MD

Today is all about inner beauty. Use these inside-out beauty tips to get the radiant glow that comes with inner peace:

Focus on the Positive Try this tonight: Make a gratitude list for the day. Write down three great things that happened during your day. They don’t have to be out of this world. They can be as simple as the fact that you ate well all day, or that you hit a big deadline at work, or that the sky at sunset was beautiful. Just three good things, simple as that.
See how being positive can keep your heart young and help you avoid these.

Meditate Stress Away Stress takes its toll on your skin, your hair, and your natural good looks, so make sure to keep stress well under control. Meditation is a great way to work through stress, calm your mind, and keep your brain functioning at its peak. In the hour before your bedtime tonight, try this simple meditation.

Continue to foster friendships, move your body, eat well, go green, relax, and simplify.

The information included on this blog is for educational purposes only. It is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. The reader should always consult his or her healthcare provider to determine the appropriateness of the information for their own situation or if they have any questions regarding a medical condition or treatment plan.

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Day 2: Stress relief for younger looking skin

Soothe Stressed Skin-Day 2
by Dr. Amy Wechsler, MD

Relaxing never seems to make it onto the to-do list. But today, relaxing is your to-do list. Stressed skin looks stressed, so keep your psyche and your skin healthy, calm, and clear with these stress-relief tips:

Start Breathing
Try these three breathing exercises. Then, pick the one you like best, and do it at least twice a day for the next 8 days, preferably at around the same time each day. This will help establish a breathing routine that calms you, refocuses your energy, and changes your body chemistry to support well-being from the inside out. So long, stressed skin.

To experiment with these exercises, sit in a chair with your back comfortably upright, feet on the floor, shoulders down, chest open, and hands resting in your lap. Let your abdomen expand with each inhale and contract with every exhalation. You may want to close your eyes and really focus on your breaths.

Exercise #1 — Let it all out.
Take a deep breath through your nose, and let it out easily through your mouth. At the end of the exhalation, silently repeat “la-lala-la-laaah,” which effortlessly extends the exhalation, releasing more air from your lungs. Feel your abdomen inflate with the next inhale. Do 5 times.

Exercise #2 — Take a pause.
Inhale and exhale through your nose, mentally counting “in-two-three, out-two-three,” and then “pause-two-three.” During the pause, don’t breathe in or out; just rest comfortably. Do 5 times. Over time, increase the count to four (“in-two-three-four, out-two-three-four”), then to five, until you reach a number that’s comfortable to you.

Exercise #3 — Hold it.
This technique can help you dial down a stressful reaction to upsetting news and can help you fall asleep, too. It takes a little practice, but people who use the technique swear by it. It’s the four-seven-eight breath, a favorite of health guru Andrew Weil, MD.

Place the tip of your tongue just behind your upper front teeth; let it rest there gently for the entire exercise.

Exhale completely through your mouth, letting the air make a whooshing sound as it passes out.

Close your mouth, and inhale through your nose as you mentally count to four. Let the breath fill and expand your abdomen as you inhale, and then hold your breath for a count of seven.

Exhale through your mouth with a whoosh to a count of eight. That’s one complete four-seven-eight breath. Do four times. To keep stress in check, do at least one of these breathing exercises twice a day.

Relax and Unwind
Here are some ideas to help you destress:

Connect with friends. Pick up the phone and call someone who can make you laugh, take a load off your stress level, and help you put things into perspective. Later in the week, you’ll have dinner with friends, so maybe call someone you want to invite.

Book a massage. If you can get in for a spa treatment today, great! If not, you have something nice to look forward to.

Have sex. Yep, sex (with a partner or on your own) can help relax you and get your skin glowing again.

Continue to Simplify Wash your face morning and night using the tips from Day 1, and stick to your new beauty-sleep routine.