I knew something weird was going on with me, but I was having difficulty putting my finger on what exactly it was. I was wigging out over basic things, I would get anxious whenever I received emails, or messages and I was feeling as if I was having conversations with myself, but I wasn’t “involved” in the actual conversation ( I guess similar to an outer body experience). I’ve caught myself day dreaming and feeling as if I’m in a heavy dialogue with someone only to “snap” out of it moments later realizing that there is no one there.
I ran across a thread on one of the yahoo groups I belong too, where someone was asking about a church to visit. I found this to be very interesting because I’d been telling myself that I needed to go to church. Actually I’d wanted to go to church for a while but something (internal) has been preventing me. Small things would happen that has prevented me from attending.
1. Someone posted about a church that has Sat service, I said PERFECT- Im’a go. I get dressed- go outside- my car is GONE- hubby took the car as opposed to the truck, and my purse and keys were in the CAR!!!!!! I call him spazzing out, and he quickly reminds me that Im unable to drive (dr’s orders) so I mine as well go back in the house! **grumbling** I go back in the house, get undressed and lay down
2. 2nd occasion: All set to go (have transportation, keys, etc) – the address is in my phone.. the security code on the front won’t unlock- I draw the pattern, but what I’m drawing isn’t appearing. Phone is frozen, I take the battery out- nothing, I try and try to break in my phone and the only thing I could do was make an emergency call. Get on the internet to try and Google the address- hour glass is spinning- unable to connect ( what?? ), Pull out my work cell phone- DEAD and the charger is at work, get the GPS ( in the car) , unable to locate (???)
WHAT IN THE HEEZY IS GOING ON? What is preventing me from making it to church?
I instantly burst into tears, crying somewhat uncontrollably. I got on Twitter and the 1st thing I saw was a tweet from Rev Run that said P.U.S.H (Pray Until Something Happen). who are you talkin too? Pray?? {I’m starting to have a conversation with myself. }
Self: Pray- haven’t I been praying?
Spirit: P.U.S.H (Pray Until Something Happen).
Self: What else can happen?? I’ve already gotten my world rocked praying didn’t fix it or make it go away…
Spirit: P.U.S.H (Pray Until Something Happen).
Self: You know what- if you can’t say something other than that- THAN HUSH!
Spirit: P.U.S.H (Pray Until Something Happen).
This went on for 10 minutes, my daughter asks “mom who are you talking too?” I’m speechless, because at the time I didn’t realize I was speaking out loud. So I responded “nobody”. I now realize I had been talking to God and he was talking back. I was allowing the devil and his foolishness to invade my spirit and my mind space.
For me my spiritual disconnect involve the following:
Negative Thoughts
No matter how hard I try, negative thoughts about Lupus creep in. I realize that although this disease hasn’t completely taken over my body, but I also realize that it can and at some point-it will.
To Eliminate: Learn to become aware instantly when a negative thought arises. Remind yourself it is not good for you or others, and it is not spiritual. Create the mental habit to switch the negative thought with something else, immediately. The negative thought pattern needs to be broken, so even thinking of a pencil stops the process.
Anger
To be honest, I’m angry that I have this disease. Yes, I’ve heard a thousand times the I was chosen for this, I had no control , blah, blah, blah, – that’s NOT helping my anger AT ALL. Maybe I need therapy; maybe I just need to get it out one good time- but I’m angry!
To Eliminate: become aware of why you are angry and notice that it is not bringing any kind of benefit to you at all. As soon as you become aware that you are angry, the destructive cycle and pattern of anger ends. Remember, if you are angry do not control or suppress it, but express it. Communication when calm helps conflict.
Tension
The other day, someone looked at me and said “relax” . They said they could see the tension. Yes, I’m tense, my body hurt, I find my self sitting in somewhat uncomfortable positions to relieve my self of knee pain or back pain.
To Eliminate: In the moment, take a deep breath. In the long run, learn to stretch your body and meditate a few times a day. This will help you become more relaxed physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Starting today, I’m taking the appropriate measures to re connect spiritually and to make peace. Peace is what everyone wants. It includes being loved, being comfortable in your own skin, having a life filled with purpose and joy. I cannot connect with any of you, until I connect with myself , create balance, well being, and be at total peace.
Disclaimer: The information included on this blog is for educational purposes only. It is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. The reader should always consult his or her healthcare provider to determine the appropriateness of the information for their own situation or if they have any questions regarding a medical condition or treatment plan.
The Lupie Chick Project 