I was contacted on Twitter by a follower that told me she was thinking about me. Initially I thought- she had run across one of my tweets on her timeline about these migraines. She then went on to tell me about a young lady that lives in her county, 19 years old, has a 4 month old baby, recently diagnosed with Lupus and defective heart. As you know with Twitter you can only type 140 characters, so her message came over to me in 3 tweets. I told her to please give the young lady a hug for me (sometimes all I want is a hug- no words.. just a tight hug)
and let her know that she isn’t alone- then 5 seconds later the 3rd part of her tweet came-the young lady-19 years old, lost her battle with Lupus- she died over the weekend. I literally burst into tears right then and there. Although I consistently tell myself that Lupus isn’t a death sentence- for some – it is. From the time of her diagnosis she was extremely sick, and the disease just took over.
According to my Twitter friend, her entire community is heartbroken over this- and I am also heartbroken. In one tweet I realize that I could have been the women she speaks of. I could be the women whose community is heartbroken over my death, instead of my children not remembering me- it would be my 6 month old grandson that wouldn’t remember me. I cried for 2 hours. I didn’t know the young lady however I was sad and I was feeling guilty. I didn’t understand the guilt part- WHY WOULD I FEEL GUILTY??? Is this a whole nother set of emotions I have to work through?
I realize that dealing with Lupus and the symptoms affect my emotional health and my family. I’ve begun to notice that my mini me ( daughter) is always checking on me ( more than usual), she is always saying “ mom are you ok”. She text me a lot and when we are home alone she lays beside me in the bed, as if she is watching over me. She even said to me the other day “why are you doing that- you know you’re going to make your head hurt”. All I could think about was the young lady’s child who is only 4 months old most likely won’t remember her, why did the disease have to attack her and take her away from her child, her family, and her friends? Why was she chosen as oppose to me or someone else? WHY? WHY? WHY?
I started surfing the web for help- I was an emotional wreck, and I needed some clarity. I ran across this statement: You may feel agitated or angry, and find it difficult to concentrate, relax or sleep. You may also feel guilty, as you realize your family is now going to have to take up the chores you normally do. This stage of emotional distress then gives way to bouts of depression, sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends. During this time, you may be prone to sudden outbursts of tears, set off by reminders of your inability to perform simple tasks, and memories of your old lifestyle. Over time, the pain, sadness and depression start to lessen. You begin to see your life in a more positive light again. The final phase of grieving is to let go of the thoughts of being able to return completely to your old lifestyle and move on with your new life. This helps any lingering depression to clear, and your sleeping patterns and energy levels improve.
Reading that made me understands that what I’m feeling is normal and it’s a process. I have to take one day at a time, work through the grief, pain, and the guilt. I will honor her (the lady that lost her battle) by NOT giving into depression, and not giving up on life.
“You never lose peace once you find it. Peace sometimes lies hidden beneath a veil of unkind thoughts, confusion, or pain. Shake loose the discontent from the veil and peace is readily accessible.” ~ Rion ~ *my new favorite quote*
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Published by The Lupie Chick
I’m a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a poet, a philanthropist, a member of Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, member of Order of The Eastern Star, and I have Lupus. I was diagnosed with Lupus in July 2011, after many years of unexplained illnesses, surgeries, and hospital stays.
My Lupus was discovered after a year struggle with a rash on my face that was spreading to my neck and chest. I had begun to also suffer from migraines, fatigue, joint pain (in my ankles and wrist), shortness of breath, and excessive sweating. I knew nothing about Lupus except it was a disease that Toni Braxton suffered from. I initially thought there was a magical pill I could take to get rid of it. I was informed that Lupus has no cure; it’s a disease I will live with for the rest of my life until a cure is discovered. I have dedicated the rest of my life to be a face-IN YOUR FACE- activist for a cure- I'm not hiding it-I'm FIGHTING it!
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2 thoughts on “Depression and Guilt”
I am a follower of your hair blog, and I just found this one, and I am oh so grateful for this. About 2 years ago, after many, many tests and wrong diagnoses, I was diagnosed with Lupus. I also have a rare genetic condition called familial mediterranian fever. It took me over 10 years to get a correct diagnosis, no doctor I had been to has ever had a patient with both of these diseases. (Lucky me) But I survive. I survive off of the love of my 3 girls, and my amzing husband who, although he understands NOTHING about either disease, fully gets ME and is supportive of me and my needs (howevr great they may be at the time….whether its a hug, a hot bath, or a trip to the ER) I applaud you for making this blog. Most people that know me know nothing of my struggles. I find it hard to talk about it, so I suffer in silence. Rock on mz sixx. I look to you for inspiration!
wow sis.. You no longer have to suffer in silence. its my goal to share my experience- the good- the bad- and the down right UGLY to the world. I dont beleive in sugar coating or hiding the truth. I give it RAW- you always have a home here and you can always vent here.. ** hugs**